Cultivating Self Compassion
A life coach once asked me to write a list of all the people in my immediate life, starting with the most important at the top and working down. It took me under a minute and I felt quite satisfied when I read it through. As the coach began to speak I started creating reasons in my mind for the position of each person within the list but her question startled me. Where are you on that list? I looked down again but I knew the answer. I hesitated. I was nowhere. I wasn’t on my own list. My children, my parents, relatives and friends were on there, but where was I? I looked up feeling a bit confused. Was I meant to be on the list? I thought this was about other people. The coach smiled wisely. ‘When you are on an aeroplane and the oxygen fails, whose mask do you fit first?’ ‘Mine' I replied and suddenly it dawned on me. I was no use to anyone if I wasn’t placing any value on myself. ‘You should be at the top’, she said. Those words have never left me. It has been tricking putting myself there as I have always put everyone else first, even people I don’t know. But there is a lot to be said for self compassion. I think I had always equated it with selfishness but now I understand they are two very different things. We all need time to ourselves. Time to reflect, learn, heal and move forward. And this was encapsulated beautifully by Vicky Kelly in her talk ‘Cultivating Self Compassion’ this morning.
Vicky Kelly owns and runs Butterfly Effect Business & Personal Coaching and her words really resonated with me. Her talk was part of a run of presentations this week, under the heading ‘Progression not Perfection’. All talks are by various local businesses, hosted by @los_social_ltd on #instalive
Butterfly Effect Coaching
Vicky kick-started with asking us to visualise a vulnerable child or animal and to feel the amount of care and love you want to give to them. Then she asked us to turn that care and love back on ourselves. It was such a simple technique but felt very empowering. Vicky believes there is no such thing as absolute perfection, we are all on a journey and it is the unfolding of the experience at that moment that is important to whom we are as individuals. How we choose to react and the lessons we learn help to shape who we are. There is no right or wrong way, it is the quick judgements of others we need to steer clear of in order to forge a healthy, strong, progressive path for ourselves. If we do not treat ourselves with compassion then achieving the goals we desire become all that much harder.
Vicky feels it is the same within our business/working lives. Comparing ourselves to others never helps as it only serves to put greater pressure on oneself and such comparisons are incomparable as there are too many dissimilar factors at play. If we choose to take part in criticising ourselves then we enter the world in a far more defensive way.
Vicky’s guiding principle is to focus on self compassion gently, deeply and consistently. She feels life is about enjoying the unfolding - being present in the moment. It is okay to find things hard. It is okay to take knocks and there is value in learning whether that is through perseverance or choosing another path. Being mindful, staying in the present and retaining an acceptance of the ‘unfolding’ of life will help you progress far quicker and smoother than one filled with judgment, self criticism and anguish.
So Vicky’s toolbox for kick-starting your own self compassion journey comprises of three key points:
keep a JOURNAL: this doesn’t have to be more than a sentence or two a day. But allowing yourself a self compassion reflection is a good tool to acknowledge that whatever happened you are still okay and you are moving forward with whatever lessons were learnt
find 5 minutes to MEDITATE: imagine yourself as a small child being cuddled by the grown up, wise adult you are now. Talk to the child in a reassuring voice and tell the child what you need to hear. We all have an inner child that seeks love and reassurance, and we can bolster and protect ourselves by cherishing our inner selves
show LOVE to yourself and others. If we can extend our love to those around us our lives become that much richer and rewarding.
Vicky is working on a programme that she will be announcing shortly - a series of videos entitled ‘Free to be me’ - so keep a look out on her social media for when those will be released. It was a joy to listen to Vicky and I took so much away from her talk. I look forward to seeing more in the coming months. You can listen to the talk again @los_social_ltd or contact Vicky through www.butterflyeffectcoaching.co.uk
Zoë x
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